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The effects on pets during divorce or separation

June 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

One of the most over looked aspects of a divorce can be the pets that share our lives.  Like children they become an integral part of our family and the long term effects on them and how they are cared for after the spilt should not be ignored.

Initially pets can be the farthest thing from our mind when a decision to divorce or separate is made, but the reality is never far away and the realisation of who has the legal right over what, not only extends to material property, but also to our pets.  For those couples that can simply not agree on this matter, it can be taken up in the courts.  The courts view pets as marital property and unlike children, where the court grants custody according to the child’s best interest, pets are divided in the same way as any other material possessions.  If you owned the pet before the relationship began, then you would usually be granted ownership.  In the cases where children are left with one parent, the animals would normally stay so as to preserve the child’s happiness.  However much you would like your pet to stay with you, there may be obvious practical reasons why this can’t happen.  Perhaps you are moving into a flat where pets are not allowed or the fact that now you find yourself on your own, there will be no one at home during the time you are at work and therefore no one to look after your pet.

Like children, the pet’s best interest should come first and if you are able to maintain a rational and communicative relationship with your ex, there is no reason why some kind of visitation right cannot be agreed.  Pets will miss you as much as you will miss them; dogs in particular are so intuitive and caring, but also creatures of routine. If you have spent many years in daily contact and suddenly are not there when they come to lick your face in the morning, it will also have a psychological effect on them.  If you have more than one pet and are considering separating the animals after divorce, you should also deliberate the effect this could have on them and the bond that will inevitably be broken between them.

Divorce and separation throws up many challenges and who gets the pets and what effect it has on them is as an important consideration as any of them.  Don’t be tempted to use your pet as a way of getting back at your ex.  Leaving your pet with an ex partner, that you know longer love, like or get along with will be a very difficult and heart breaking decision.  The animal’s best interest should always be your number one priority.

We develop very powerful bonds with our pets. Deciding or being forced to leave them behind could be one of the hardest decisions you will ever make and another hurdle to jump before you can rebuild your life after divorce.

 

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How to tell if your partner is cheating on you

June 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment

The scenario is unfortunately all too common.  You’ve been together for a few years now and know each other inside out.  You probably live together or are married and have settled down to a life of compatible bliss, or so you think!

Sadly it has been reported that between 50-70% of all couples will be unfaithful at some point during the course of their relationship.  Usually this happens when you are least expecting it and it can be quite a shock to find out that your trusted soul-mate, lover and best friend is far from this. You thought you knew him/her and things were going swimmingly in your relationship.  You had settled into a comfortable zone and felt secure.  You trusted your partner and like in every good relationship gave him/her space to be their own person.  You thought they would always be faithful and just when you thought you had everything your world comes tumbling down around you.  Infidelity can tear lives apart and leave the wounded partner distraught, hurt, devastated and not knowing how to deal with the terrible blow.  Imagine the shock after thinking you have a solid, steady relationship and then discovering the awful truth that your beloved partner has in fact betrayed you.

You could think that if you were that close to your partner and felt you really knew everything about them, you would instinctively know if something was wrong in your relationship.  But would you? So what are the telltale signs of betrayal?  Couples can often drift apart slowly after a long period of time and their lives can start to separate, no longer spending the cosy nights in by the fire together, but instead choosing the company of their friends over you.  Perhaps they have started up a new hobby or even a new job, taking them away from you and the home.  Sometimes partners don’t always plan to have an affair, but it just happens.  Presented with an opportunity, some people just can’t resist the offer and before they know it, have embarked on an affair.  Perhaps cracks were starting to show in their relationship and the doubts were beginning to creep in.  How will you know if your partner is playing away?  Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our own busy lives, we fail to see the obvious signs that things are not as they seem.  Is your partner spending less time in your company and more time doing other activities?

As previously mentioned they may have joined a new club or made a new circle of friends.  When they return home late at night from a workout and swim at the gym, how do you know that is where they have really been? Is your partner making more effort lately with their appearance?  Do they suddenly seem to be taking more interest in their clothing, wearing more aftershave/perfume and generally making more effort, particularly when they are going to work or out with friends?  Do you notice that they have become secretive with their mobile phone? Is it suddenly out of sight and closely guarded?  Does your partner take increasing numbers of brief work calls on their mobile and then tell you when you enquire ‘It was nothing’.  Do they leave the room to take the call to carry on the conversation?  These hints of suspicious behaviour could indicate an affair.  Has your partner become distant in the bedroom department and avoids intimacy with you, making excuses to not make love?  Any of the above could be signs that your partner has someone else on their mind.

There is a lot to be said for human intuition and if your head is telling you something is amiss in your relationship, then maybe it is time to dig deeper and confront your partner with your fears.

 

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Fetish and Fantasy

May 3, 2011 By Leave a Comment

 

So you think you’ve met the one for you.  You’ve been out on several dates and become intimate with your new partner, but you’re hiding a secret that’s burning deep inside you; a fantasy or maybe a fetish that you know could make or break your future together.

It’s a dilemma that many will have faced, not knowing whether to broach the subject, for fear of ridicule or rejection,   which in itself can cause anguish and anxiety.  In our opinion it is always better to be open and upfront about any fetish or fantasy that you have a desire to carry out.  Just imagine how wonderful it would feel if after discussing it with your partner, you realise that he or she is into exactly the same thing as you are.  Of course not every fantasy can or has to be lived out.  In reality some of the most darkest and more obscure ones are probably best kept locked inside your subconscious mind.

So when and how do you bring the subject up and find out whether you are a match made in heaven or a sexual disaster waiting to happen? This will be a sensitive subject, so take things slowly.  Gauge your partners reaction, from subtle comments or hints made over several weeks.  From this you should be able to steadily come to a solid decision on whether your partner will be enthused or disgusted by your needs and desires.

Porn can also be a great way to find out what makes your partner tick, but this in itself can give you clues into their mindset.  Complete refusal from your partner to watch it with you can signify a hang up about sex or insecurity about the relationship or even their own self image.  If you do get a willing response, then find some porn that touches on your own particular vice and see where it takes you.  A demand to turn it off immediately will not be what you want to hear, but at least you will know where your boundaries lie.

Like a lot of things in life, sexual compatibility will come down to luck.  For the middle aged man that gets turned on by wearing a nappy and pretending to be a baby again, the chances of finding a willing ‘mother figure’ will be pretty slim.  For less extreme and more common desires, such as bondage or role play, you may be surprised on how many others are out there looking for the same experience.

Successful relationships are built on both honesty and compromise, so although you may not get to relive your secret desires to the full, you may be able to reach a happy medium that is acceptable to both of you.  It is far better to talk and discover each others sexual likes and dislikes than to wonder and continue to be frustrated about what could have been.

You may think that you are the only one that has this fetish or fantasy, but as we are all human, the chances are there will be thousands of other people out there that are thinking and wanting exactly the same thing.  A good sexual relationship is a big part of any partnership, so don’t be put off discussing your own desires through fear of rejection.  Your sexual satisfaction and realisation of your fantasies might only be a conversation away.  Good luck!

 

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Young Love

January 30, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If it was possible to go back in time and do everything over, as a child, but with the wisdom that we have as adults, it would change, and quite possible ruin the whole experience of growing up.

No experience is the same with the knowledge of the outcome.  If we knew the exact right thing to do, or direction to go, in any situation, we would always end up at the same place.  We would not grow and because of that, we would have no idea all that we would be missing out on by not making mistakes and learning new ways to do things.

When teenagers fall in love, everybody calls it puppy love.  One of the reasons it’s called puppy love is that the people feeling the intense emotion they call love, are not yet fully grown; therefore it is assumed that this version of what they’re feeling cannot be anything but the crude immature version of the real thing.

Anybody who thinks that being in love as a teenager is crude or not really love must have forgotten what it’s like to be young, in love, or both;  Being in love feels as intensely and wildly good at sixty as it does at sixteen.  The only real difference of experiencing romantic love as a teenager is the likelihood of the teenage relationship coming to end, and that when it does, the resulting pain felt by one or both people, will be very confusing and scary.

Teenagers are physiologically prone to have strong feelings of attraction to the opposite sex.  Their attention is consumed by interacting and getting closer to the same people that, only a couple of years prior, they were repulsed by.  Nothing is ever going to change that fact; but the way it’s handled will determine if it ends up being a positive or a negative experience.

Teenage love can be sweet, romantic, innocent, and beautiful.  It can also be destructive, dangerous, confusing, and heartbreaking.  The way that young, never been broken, hearts embrace love is an enviable notion.  But also one that puts teenagers in danger of risking themselves and their futures if they are not careful.

There is no way to say for sure how long a relationship will last, or if the person we choose as the one to spend our lives with is the one we will spend our lives with, but the odds are very much against relationships lasting between teenagers.  This does not mean that they shouldn’t happen, or even be pursued.  They should be taken on with some boundaries that will help define how far they are willing to go before knowing where they are going.  Adding sex to young love will complicate it and could give the illusion that now the relationship has to last, or all will be lost.

To prevent what should be a good and memorable experience, from turning into a scarring sad memory, it’s best to keep sex out of it, and keep it as innocent as possible.  If it is meant to last, it will whether sex is introduced now, or a few years from now.  If it feels like not having sex will make it go away, chances are good that it will go away with or without sex.  All love is meant to be, some just not meant to stay.

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Arguments

January 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

At some time or another you are going to get in to an argument with your partner, and the disagreement can be either a small or complicated issue. The real purpose of arguing in relationships is to come to an agreement or compromise. Unfortunately when one of you does not budge on an issue, it can cause problems in your relationship that can spiral out of control! Arguing in relationships is a form of communication, to address problems; and the argument should come to an end after a mutual agreement is reached. Here are some tips to take into consideration when arguments arise in relationships which will keep them real, and trust me at some time or another they are going to come in handy. Never let an argument become so serious that your relationship is in jeopardy because of it.

Some causes of arguments in relationships

Arguments arise when a partner feels wronged in a relationship, or there is a problem with your partner that you need to bring out in the open and address. Naturally there are thousands of reasons along these lines, but some of the most common arguments that start in relationships are money related, from jealousy, resentment about something a partner does or does not do, or career related. Consider these points when you have an argument:

Do not change the subject you are arguing about, and Argue in the present.

When you are having an argument with your partner, try and resolve the argument by sticking to the subject or problem you are arguing about. Use facts that are relevant and be as practical as possible to solve what you are arguing about. Avoid digging up the past in an argument, and then using it as a weapon against your partner. Digging up old hurts can turn the smallest argument into a huge one this way. Another thing to avoid is insulting your partner or swearing at them, because this can really hurt your partner deeply and shows lack of respect; and should you do this, it can even end up in relationship termination. Stay within the parameters of self respect, to stop an argument escalating into a full blown war.

Allow your partner their chance to state their viewpoint.

An important part to the science of arguing in relationships is to listen to what your partner wants to say. They also have a view point on the issue you are arguing about, so give them a chance. If you are not sure what you partner is trying to say or get across to you, then say something like:  ‘So I understand that you are trying to say that’… to get clarification. During an argument a person tends to not listen to the other properly because they are too busy formulating their rebuff while the other person is talking; or they may be thinking on what ammunition they are going to use in retaliation. Along these lines, some self control is pertinent, and that means trying not to scream and shout at each other. Turning your back on an argument as well is even worse and can add even more fuel to the fire. Finish the argument with your partner, and try to always avoid going to bed angry with each other.

Do not use Physical abuse; or Make threats To Do So in An Argument.

Avoid becoming physical in an argument and this includes throwing things at your partner. Later when you have both cooled off, these items you have broken will need to be replaced or repaired. If you feel you are reaching boiling points you can say you need time out to think about what your partner and you are arguing about. Your fury can become an out of control animal otherwise; and you can do something you regret later. If you are in a stormy relationship where you argue a lot seek guides on how to handle your issues properly especially if you really love someone. It is not necessary to let an argument mean the end of any relationship! Invest in guides to build powerful relationships. They are really worth it!

 

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